Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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