make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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