Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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