The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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