he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
