I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
