would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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