I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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