I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
