Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
