My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
