I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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