I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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