I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
