i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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