9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
