I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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