Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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