I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
