Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Your cock deserves a montage
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
