That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
