hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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