I must be too annoying 4 u.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
