Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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