I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
