HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
