Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
