I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
