remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
