Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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