He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
