You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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