HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
please don't ironically join a cult
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