he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
