we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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