My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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