The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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