My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
