Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
This can only be settled by a dance off.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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