I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
