I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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