lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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