I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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