Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
