I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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