they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
did i walk over a car last night?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I would ride that face into the sunset
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize