My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
