Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
