we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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