Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
