I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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