Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
