he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
