I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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