The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
