Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
