Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i think my cat just said my name.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize